I’ve said before that I am living the life I always wanted and it’s awesome! But that hasn’t always been the case. We’ve all been in relationships where we know what we want, but it’s not quite there. Some small pieces here and there, a fragment of the possibility that things are heading in the right direction, but it just doesn’t measure up to our dreams or expectations. Why is that? Simply because the relationship isn’t right.

Years ago, when I was trying to figure out who I was, and piecing together how I was going to go from the person I was to the person I wanted to be, the person I was supposed to be; I took the step that was needed to put everything into motion. I entered a relationship that at the time, cost me everything. However it was because of that relationship that I am the person I am today, that I’m exactly where I was meant to be.

Yesterday was Sunday, and again my beautiful HJ and I spent the day doing what we do, reading, cleaning, laughing, talking . . . the normal things couples do. It was dinner time, and she says to me “Want to help with dinner?” not “It’s dinner time, and it’s your turn to cook,” or “Come do this.” I cook all week, so am I interested in cooking on the weekend, not really, but I love spending time with my wife doing things together. And one of my favorite things to do is cook a meal with her. Keep in mind we have a small kitchen so , there’s the constant need to be mindful of a knife in hand, there is the occasional bumping into each-other that happens which can be romantic and playful. But there is also this meshing of thoughts, and ideas, the feeling of creativeness is in the air. Last nights culinary creation was pork chops, with sauteed kale, eggplant, and tomato. Which I have to admit was very tasty. It was one of our successful endeavors, (yes there are occasional mishaps that lead us to look at the end result and say, “So um you said pizza sounded good right?”)

My point is you have to realize what you don’t have, in order to realize what you want. And one you’ve done that and you look back, sometimes ya just wanna say, “How do you like me now.”

I never considered myself a “catch” What I mean by this is simply, when I see myself, I’m not pretty, my nose is to big, I’m not in good shape, I’m over weight, my hands are deformed because of my disability . . . I’m disabled, all things that play into my self-esteem and let me convince myself that I was not worthy. In my voyage to becoming me, to accepting me as I am . . . to liking myself I met someone that validated me. They said all the right things, gave me what I thought at the time was the support I needed, made me feel special and important to them. I thought I had arrived to my life, the life I wanted, dreamt about, thinking I was ‘happy’.

Looking back now, because obviously I am no longer with that person, it wasn’t right and more importantly it wasn’t real. A relationship (the kind I’m talking about,) must be built on mutual respect, trust, and honesty. It starts with two people who agree that they can build a life together. If you each have children, yes of course they will be a part of the equation, but not whole the focus of that relationship. With children there comes a whole different set of problems to work through, but that only happens when the adults are honest with each other as to where they want the relationship to go and be. I should have known things would never work when I didn’t feel that it was her and I first, but her, her kids and than me. There goes the mutual respect part of things. Adults are adults and children are children and do not belong in adult conversation regarding relationships and financial issues. They do not nor in my opinion need to know where or how I spend MY money. Children do not get to dictate where my relationship will go or if it will survive. Now please, don’t think that I feel children’s opinions shouldn’t be heard, or that you as a parent should put your children on the back end of things. What I am saying is, is that just because your child doesn’t like someone in your life, that you toss that person out because your child says so. That being said, the way things turned out it was the best thing to happen to me.

I do however every now and then want to say, “How do you like me now?” See you didn’t see the diamond that was in need of care and polish. You didn’t see the person that would have, (had things been different) stuck by you through thick and thin. You did not have the patience to support and encourage the changes in me that would have lead to a good life, for the both of us. But  thank god you didn’t.

Someone else did though. Someone else that was secure enough with herself that she didn’t have an issue sharing me with MY children or MY family. This woman believes in me, and because she does, I believe in myself. She pushes me to be better, there for I am, she encourages me to take a chance, and because she did I have published books, I have (at least verbally) an open contract for any manuscript I chose to submit. Because of her I am rich. Because of her faith in me, I am on my way. I have a family both blood, and chosen, I have people who will and have picked me up when I’ve fallen or don’t have the strength myself.

I can’t help but wonder, do you have someone like that in your life? Last I heard you didn’t. You were alone, with no one to cook with and laugh with. No one to share unconditional love with. And for that I’m sorry. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. But because of your choices, I do. So tell me, darlin,’ How do you like me now, now that I’m on way. You never imagined I’d make it this far did you?”

I suppose I owe you a big thank you, but then again . . .  nah . . . I always was the bigger person so thanks.